Effing bored. I screwed upp.

I feel that This Past year has obliterated any nieve innocence or brith eyed hope and idealism I once had. Any passion for living or doing anything had been snuffed out. Why? Idk....you happened. Before you I just floated along seeing the world through grey fog of pessimism while secretly hoping and believing in love and goodness.

Well, not anymore. Thanks for that. My my pessimism is cast-iron straight to the core of my heart. Everyone's motives are atleast 30% self serving.

I trust ppl even less now, I don't want to be friends with anyone. I just want to sleep until it's over. It feels like I can't connect with people emotionally now....like I see everyone else...and everything else as pointless...everything g IS pointless.

Once you have had a taste of it, it's like why live without love? What's the effing point.

Ow. All I can hear from the little he tells me is that I'm unappealing to him. That he doesn't care about me. That I was a mistake that he regrets.

My pov: he was a mistake but I don't regret him.

I wish I could stop caring about him and care about someone else, like he did. But I think what happened was this: I actually cherished and loved him.
What he felt toward me was just some misplaced overflow.

Meanwhile the short time he was in my life has changed me into someone else, better in some ways. Worse in others

I don't think anyone will love me, I don't have much to offer. And chances are if they love me I won't feel the same. Because only a desperate idiot would love me, and I'm not down with that.

from february

I wish I could stop shaking ad crying, I wish that everythingi touch didn't have your name on it. I'm sorry I hounded you, I though that you wanted it too. I guess this is what I get for putting YOU. Before JEHOVAH. I wish so badly that you had just talked to me.... Because I really did do everything for you. I did stuff I didn't want/ new better then to do because I thought it would make you happy.

I wish so badly you had told me so we could've tried to work it out. I wish you didn't let me continue thus far thinking you still had feelings for me. I wish I didn't love so hard and so much and so fast. I wish I could get up as fast as I fell. I wish you had told me first, before you told her. I wish she hadn't called you and cursed you out.

I wish that your happiness didn't still matter to me. I wish I wasn't such a bleeding heart. I wish I could hold a proper grudge. I wish my wishes cane true I wish I didntvhave to go to work & listen to love songs on pandora all day.

I wish you played fair. I wish I played fair. I wish I could move on like she dud, I hope you can to....

I wish I didn't live here anymore. I wish I could beat you up. I wish you had been clear with me, I'm like a boy I don't get subtlety.

I wish we didn't know so many of the same people now.

I wish to be moved on and over you next time I see you. I wish o didn't know so much about you, so then everything wouldn't remind me of you.

I wish you had just told me so I wouldn't feel like a idiot for ignoring my gut feeling.... Cause it was right about everything......I wish my family wasn't going to ask me what's wrong....

I'm sorry.... I wouldn't have done any of that if you said: noodles stop I don't want to mess up again. Or if you said : I'm being weird and distant on purpose because I'm not sure how I feel,

Simple.as.that

I wish your happiness hadn't meant more to me then jehovah's.

I wish To stop the urge to go hook up with any random guy to numb the ache in my hart

I wish you had less wonderful....

I wish you hadn't let me say all those things to you if you knew you didnt feel this way about me anymore.

I wish my personal estimation of my self worth did not depend on the love of a man.

I wish you had told me what was going on...i always told you, which is. Big deal cause i don't normally tell abtone what's going on in my head.

I wish I had had the will power to step back and use the time apart to grow like I wanted to.

You mattered too much to me.

Instead of keeping you close I effectively push you away. Like I always do.

I'm going to try my best to get back to where I should be... I'm just not ready.

Thanks for the lesson. I hope the next time I see you I'm grown enough, and or moved on enough to keep it together.

In the words of cee-lo....well...you know

I'm floating between being angry, and feeling hopeless.

How could you? you KNEW I still loved you...why couldn't you just tell me you cooled off?

I wish I hadn't ruined your life...I wish you hadn't asked me to marry you....I wish you hadn't let my hopes get soooooo high.

I'm tired of wishing... Tired of you.... We'll be friends.And believe me I will not take you seriously anymore.

Im gonna try not to give up the things w both like just because they remind me of this crap year as that would leave me with nothing to like anymore....and it's just not worth it.

I knew that something like this would happen sooner or later...it had to....we were not good for each other....I know that....but it could've happened in a way that didn't make me feel like such an amazingly cheap rag...it could've hurt less.

everything reminds me of conversations we had, which reminds me of when I was happy, which I am not now. And that makes me cry even more...but like I said....bad timing...it would've been so hard to make it work anyway...but I am too suborn to back down when I want something...so maybe this was Jehovah saving us from ourselves....maybe it had to hurt this much or we'd never have learned what e should have learned a long time ago.

but I still cant hold back the tears.

Well.....hes not at all the same....but it's nice to feel at least a little spark for someone else for a change. *blush*

Hey you,

I want to hear YOU. Tell me how you feel about me now. I want to hear YOU. Say you don't feel anything or love me or think about being with me anymore.

I still think about you. So much so you'd think that we were married & you died. I lay in bed and I can't get the though of you laying behind me out of me head. I drive anywhere and I can still see you sitting next to me. I cook, clean, make u my face & I wish I was doing it for you.

Now I have to search for a new reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Tired.

Tired& feeling disconnected.