More self inflicted drama.

Not worth it. I still don't matter for anything but my body. The one who matters to me turns a blind eye. I want to matter for more. I'm searching for happieness in all the wrong places, this made it worse & i want to die. Nothing i do is gonna fix the mess inside of me.

I should just die.

I could use a hug, but not from anyone. I feel betrayed by everyone, even people who haven’t done anything to me. The firewalls are officially up, no one gets in anymore. I let myself be put into a place that I never wanted to be again. I feel cheap. The person who made me feel valuable, well he’ll inevitable float away, I can feel it happening already. I don’t want to lose him though…Every other male figure in my life clearly just wants to use me. I want to curl up into a ball & waste away, because I feel useless.

Every girl, no every person, wants to feel valuable but I don’t. I feel cheaper then dirt. I’m that extra sparrow you could get when you bought 4 for sacrificing at the temple.

And the girls don’t understand. I can’t tell them, I can’t make them understand. I can barley explain it to myself. I can just feel it. And it does not feel good.

I’m not going to lie, it feels good when it happening. But I still felt guilty. Now I feel like I don’t want anyone anywhere to touch me ever again.

But I need a hug.

I don’t make sense. Like I said, I can't explain it, I can just feel it.