Effing bored. I screwed upp.

I feel that This Past year has obliterated any nieve innocence or brith eyed hope and idealism I once had. Any passion for living or doing anything had been snuffed out. Why? Idk....you happened. Before you I just floated along seeing the world through grey fog of pessimism while secretly hoping and believing in love and goodness.

Well, not anymore. Thanks for that. My my pessimism is cast-iron straight to the core of my heart. Everyone's motives are atleast 30% self serving.

I trust ppl even less now, I don't want to be friends with anyone. I just want to sleep until it's over. It feels like I can't connect with people emotionally now....like I see everyone else...and everything else as pointless...everything g IS pointless.

Once you have had a taste of it, it's like why live without love? What's the effing point.

Ow. All I can hear from the little he tells me is that I'm unappealing to him. That he doesn't care about me. That I was a mistake that he regrets.

My pov: he was a mistake but I don't regret him.

I wish I could stop caring about him and care about someone else, like he did. But I think what happened was this: I actually cherished and loved him.
What he felt toward me was just some misplaced overflow.

Meanwhile the short time he was in my life has changed me into someone else, better in some ways. Worse in others

I don't think anyone will love me, I don't have much to offer. And chances are if they love me I won't feel the same. Because only a desperate idiot would love me, and I'm not down with that.

from february

I wish I could stop shaking ad crying, I wish that everythingi touch didn't have your name on it. I'm sorry I hounded you, I though that you wanted it too. I guess this is what I get for putting YOU. Before JEHOVAH. I wish so badly that you had just talked to me.... Because I really did do everything for you. I did stuff I didn't want/ new better then to do because I thought it would make you happy.

I wish so badly you had told me so we could've tried to work it out. I wish you didn't let me continue thus far thinking you still had feelings for me. I wish I didn't love so hard and so much and so fast. I wish I could get up as fast as I fell. I wish you had told me first, before you told her. I wish she hadn't called you and cursed you out.

I wish that your happiness didn't still matter to me. I wish I wasn't such a bleeding heart. I wish I could hold a proper grudge. I wish my wishes cane true I wish I didntvhave to go to work & listen to love songs on pandora all day.

I wish you played fair. I wish I played fair. I wish I could move on like she dud, I hope you can to....

I wish I didn't live here anymore. I wish I could beat you up. I wish you had been clear with me, I'm like a boy I don't get subtlety.

I wish we didn't know so many of the same people now.

I wish to be moved on and over you next time I see you. I wish o didn't know so much about you, so then everything wouldn't remind me of you.

I wish you had just told me so I wouldn't feel like a idiot for ignoring my gut feeling.... Cause it was right about everything......I wish my family wasn't going to ask me what's wrong....

I'm sorry.... I wouldn't have done any of that if you said: noodles stop I don't want to mess up again. Or if you said : I'm being weird and distant on purpose because I'm not sure how I feel,

Simple.as.that

I wish your happiness hadn't meant more to me then jehovah's.

I wish To stop the urge to go hook up with any random guy to numb the ache in my hart

I wish you had less wonderful....

I wish you hadn't let me say all those things to you if you knew you didnt feel this way about me anymore.

I wish my personal estimation of my self worth did not depend on the love of a man.

I wish you had told me what was going on...i always told you, which is. Big deal cause i don't normally tell abtone what's going on in my head.

I wish I had had the will power to step back and use the time apart to grow like I wanted to.

You mattered too much to me.

Instead of keeping you close I effectively push you away. Like I always do.

I'm going to try my best to get back to where I should be... I'm just not ready.

Thanks for the lesson. I hope the next time I see you I'm grown enough, and or moved on enough to keep it together.

In the words of cee-lo....well...you know

I'm floating between being angry, and feeling hopeless.

How could you? you KNEW I still loved you...why couldn't you just tell me you cooled off?

I wish I hadn't ruined your life...I wish you hadn't asked me to marry you....I wish you hadn't let my hopes get soooooo high.

I'm tired of wishing... Tired of you.... We'll be friends.And believe me I will not take you seriously anymore.

Im gonna try not to give up the things w both like just because they remind me of this crap year as that would leave me with nothing to like anymore....and it's just not worth it.

I knew that something like this would happen sooner or later...it had to....we were not good for each other....I know that....but it could've happened in a way that didn't make me feel like such an amazingly cheap rag...it could've hurt less.

everything reminds me of conversations we had, which reminds me of when I was happy, which I am not now. And that makes me cry even more...but like I said....bad timing...it would've been so hard to make it work anyway...but I am too suborn to back down when I want something...so maybe this was Jehovah saving us from ourselves....maybe it had to hurt this much or we'd never have learned what e should have learned a long time ago.

but I still cant hold back the tears.

Well.....hes not at all the same....but it's nice to feel at least a little spark for someone else for a change. *blush*

Hey you,

I want to hear YOU. Tell me how you feel about me now. I want to hear YOU. Say you don't feel anything or love me or think about being with me anymore.

I still think about you. So much so you'd think that we were married & you died. I lay in bed and I can't get the though of you laying behind me out of me head. I drive anywhere and I can still see you sitting next to me. I cook, clean, make u my face & I wish I was doing it for you.

Now I have to search for a new reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Tired.

Tired& feeling disconnected.

Sicknpuppies concert tomorrow!

Yaaaaaaaaaaay?

And sometimes....

I just wish I could understand what's going on in other people's heads.

Why do I get forgotten? I include others, so what is so terrible about me.

Why

A question that I often ask myself is why do I try? Why?why?why?why?


Better off alone maybe but I dont like it.

The WT today was very helpful.

I know what I'm looking for, & I'd love for justin's eyes to be opened like mine were. But oh well. I won't settle for less then I need.....even if I want to. He doesn't even love me though....never will either....but other boys that may or may not cone along, I wont settle for someone who can't provide what I need spiritually. That's important.

But that song.... 'the first time ever I saw your face' was plating while i was studying, reminded me if Justin.... and how I wish I still mattered to him. But even if I did I know I'd still have to say no till he learns some things and were past 'the bloom of youth' & he learns what I had to learn about priorities.

I really miss Alex..... But it's like the elders said, there comes a point where you have to put your spirituality above other people.....=[.... I struggle with feeling like a terrible friend but honestly before everything blew up again she said she would have done the same thing 'what she wanted to do & screw what otter ppl want'....so I don't understand why she went off.... I know how I screwed up & i get it but I didn't cause hr other problems or choices......and before anything even happened I always included her when we did anything...,cause I wasn't tryna 'steal' him.... I didnt even know he liked her... I just didn't have the beans to tell her right away like I wanted to..... but now I know better.....and as for me not being there for her.... Im sorry but I had to find soneone else to talk to as well... I didnt tell her every little sweet nothing that he said to me and everything that we did together and everything he meant to me because i know that when she would do that to me it made everything hurt even more. It's NOT unreasonable & selfish to NOT want to talk about it with her.



Coulda ended so much better..... She could be getting through the day too if she would draw close to Jehovah.... Not drift away from him & draw close to the world.....it's so depressing to think about it.... and ive been finding out a lot about her lifestyle before (When we were friends) that she didn't tell me that , if I had known, I would have stopped hanging with her a long time ago... I had a feeling but I dismissed it. Who knows maybe if I had listened to my gut I wouldn't have lost myself and fallen back into my old ways.

Blurg

I can still feel you holding me.... Sometimes I can't sleep cause I can still feel you whispering in my ear & I get so scared that no one will ever compare to you....cause that's how it's feeling.

I wish it could be undone....but it can't and I can't take you back even if you did want me back, I just have to try to shake it off when the memory of you creeps in and when the urged to compare feels overwhelming.

Siiiiiiigh.

Why does everything have to be such a bIg freaking deal always?

I just want to chill and recoup, but peer-pressure & human insecurity make me want to have someone to be involved with again...I want someone who will care about me and value me as much as I value them....I feel like crying.... Can't anything be simple anymore?

Alex

I do miss you a lot.... Rather, I miss the way we were. But we are no good for each other anymore.... I hope you come back to Jehovah :/

Everyone is so full of it

So I hate everyone. :)

Justin

It's not fair that you called her and texted her all the time to see if she was ok, each time. I'm really going through something here ok? And I have questions and I need closure but I guess you don't care.

But remember I was there for y'all both times & I kept everything to myself twice. But this time I need someone to answer my questions... but. All I'm getting is ignored.

Things I want to ask

I know before we were incredibly immature and we did everything too wrong and too fast. you'll never want to give it one more try in the distant future will you? After we grow up & if there's anything at all still there? Have I mucked this up too terribly?

If two former lovers can remain friends they are either still in love or they never were.

True dat.

Everybody knows - John legend

"I wish we gave it one more try...." ah well.... Ok

Slip - one Eskimo

Long way down - Keisha Cole.

I never told you - colbie calliet

Sleep

Without you It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I wish I didn't exist

YOU JUSTIN!!! I just want.....you.

What

Is the point of life? Or anything without you? Why do I wake up and get out of bed? It used to LITERALLY be for you. Now, idk why

Oh man...

I still don't WANT to let you go. I WANT to hold on hope that you might come back......but I know you won't...., bad timing or whatever... I know you'll never reconsider me.... But I would take you back in a blink of an eye.

Dude.

Uhh..I feel like no one will ever compare to Justin... Cause I know what I want now but.... I don't see it in anyone but him.... *sigh* it's only been a week though.... Maybe things will be different in...soon I hope

Alex & Lauren

Some times I hate you. Idk why... I just do

Justin

It's hard not to imagine our life together in the future anymore.... I used to imagine tiptoeing around the house when you're sick getting into fights .... Baby sitting jayden and puca ah man..... My hopes were so high. It was a log hard fall back to reality.

I keep dreaming...

Not bad dreams per say.....but sad sad dreams, dreams about Justin wanting me back, or not wanting me back.... I don't like it... I had 3 last night and 3 during the week.

P.s. Jr..... You don't know me don't be all in my business. Creep.

To: alex

Ok, since I had to contain my defense, I'm blogging it.

I did let myself develop feelings for him when i knew you liked him, I did let it lead to sexting and I did get in over my head. I'm not the first girl to do stupid stupid selfish things for a boy. Not that this makes it less selfish but I didn't know you were in love with him & I didn't know he liked you. When I found out he "kissed" you I couldn't eat for a week until I told you what happened, I felt bad because I hurt YOU.

I've had to deal with the consequences of MY actions in the situation. So don't blame me for the fact that you two planned for two months to have sex. Don't make me feel guilty because you got pregnant. And I didn't put you in the mental ward. I didn't make you move to ky. You chose to,

You let me think that you were caught up in a moment when you had sex, but y'all planned it. Not. Cool.

Remember me asking you about me being with him when he got back? Well let me tell you this. I 100% would have dropped him if you had asked me too.

As for me 'not being over him' I AM over him, just like you were in november when you hooked up with chivonne & in january. When I asked you about Justin. But yet when Justin wanted you back, you wanted to be with him didn't you?

And don't you call me wishy washy. ONCE during this whole thing did I say I didn't want to talk to you for a while. I never even said I didn't want to be friends, I just needed space. Both times this went down, I sat and listened to you re-hash every painful detail, I'm sorry that u couldn't sit through the whole retailing of your sexual encounter, or all the proclamations of undying love her said to you. You seem to find my struggle with that to be selfish and ignorant, but here's the thing. I LOVED HIM TOO. It's like ripping open my flesh and pouring salt on my heart to hear the details so EXCUSE ME for only being able to endure days of talking about everything he did to you. You may recall if you think back that I cried alot, yes. But I tried hard not to spend every moment obsessing over how he did ME. Wrong to YOU. Cause it wouldnt have been considerate of your feelings. And it wasn't considerate of you to do it to me either. I know you have to talk everything you feel out in deep detail so I listened along as I could. I'm sorry my best efforts were not enough for you. I was trying.


I never did anything with the intent of hurting you. I just couldn't stop my feelings for him and after we started sexting I didn't know how to stop,

But seriously. What HE did to you is not my fault.

Forget all this wishes...

I said before and go away. Pull your head out of your butt and never bother me again.

I'm better off without the both of you and I'm not giving up my real friends and my happy memories because of you.

You didn't even say sorry, you had hours to tell me and I had to confront you first? I deserve better then an over sexed, immature, selfish, stupid, deceitful, brazen, snake charmer like you.

After the first time I told the elders, I didn't want to sext anymore, I did it because I thought you wanted to, and if you were happy I'd be happy.
That was foolish of me because it pulled me in even deeper and I didn't care about anyone but you. You narcissistic, asinine, jerk.

You don't even care how you hurt us but I hope one day you feel this way too si you learn your lesson. You can't get away with whatever you want.

You didn't even try to break my heart gently you just let me keep acting like a fool for you, not bothering to even tell me straight up...I hope you hurt one day too.

I...

I don't understand what I did to change your mind about me....I wish it wasn't like this....I wish I could go back and explain...

I don't know if I can still be friends.... Not for a long long while

...

I wish I could stop shaking ad crying, I wish that everythingi touch didn't have your name on it. I'm sorry I hounded you, I though that you wanted it too. I guess this is what I get for putting YOU. Before JEHOVAH. I wish so badly that you had just talked to me.... Because I really did do everything for you. I did stuff I didn't want/ new better then to do because I thought it would make you happy.

I wish so badly you had told me so we could've tried to work it out. I wish you didn't let me continue thus far thinking you still had feelings for me. I wish I didn't love so hard and so much and so fast. I wish I could get up as fast as I fell. I wish you had told me first, before you told her. I wish she hadn't called you and cursed you out.

I wish that your happiness didn't still matter to me. I wish I wasn't such a bleeding heart. I wish I could hold a proper grudge. I wish my wishes cane true I wish I didntvhave to go to work & listen to love songs on pandora all day.

I wish you played fair. I wish I played fair. I wish I could move on like she dud, I hope you can to....

I wish I didn't live here anymore. I wish I could beat you up. I wish you had been clear with me, I'm like a boy I don't get subtlety.

I wish we didn't know so many of the same people now.

I wish to be moved on and over you next time I see you. I wish o didn't know so much about you, so then everything wouldn't remind me of you.

I wish you had just told me so I wouldn't feel like a idiot for ignoring my gut feeling.... Cause it was right about everything......I wish my family wasn't going to ask me what's wrong....

I'm sorry.... I wouldn't have done any of that if you said: noodles stop I don't want to mess up again. Or if you said : I'm being weird and distant on purpose because I'm not sure how I feel,

Simple.as.that

I wish your happiness hadn't meant more to me then jehovah's.

I wish To stop the urge to go hook up with any random guy to numb the ache in my hart

I wish you had less wonderful....

I wish you hadn't let me say all those things to you if you knew you didnt feel this way about me anymore.

I wish my personal estimation of my self worth did not depend on the love of a man.

I wish you had told me what was going on...i always told you, which is. Big deal cause i don't normally tell abtone what's going on in my head.

I wish I had had the will power to step back and use the time apart to grow like I wanted to.

You mattered too much to me.

Instead of keeping you close I effectively push you away. Like I always do.


I'm going to try my best to get back to where I should be... I'm just not ready.

Thanks for the lesson. I hope the next time I see you I'm grown enough, and or moved on enough to keep it together.



In the words of cee-lo....well...you know


I'm floating between being angry, and feeling hopeless.

How could you? you KNEW I still loved you...why couldn't you just tell me you cooled off?

I wish I hadn't ruined your life...I wish you hadn't asked me to marry you....I wish you hadn't let my hopes get soooooo high.

I'm tired of wishing... Tired of you.... We'll be friends. Believe me I will not take you seriously anymore.