Sleep

Without you It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I wish I didn't exist

YOU JUSTIN!!! I just want.....you.

What

Is the point of life? Or anything without you? Why do I wake up and get out of bed? It used to LITERALLY be for you. Now, idk why

Oh man...

I still don't WANT to let you go. I WANT to hold on hope that you might come back......but I know you won't...., bad timing or whatever... I know you'll never reconsider me.... But I would take you back in a blink of an eye.

Dude.

Uhh..I feel like no one will ever compare to Justin... Cause I know what I want now but.... I don't see it in anyone but him.... *sigh* it's only been a week though.... Maybe things will be different in...soon I hope

Alex & Lauren

Some times I hate you. Idk why... I just do

Justin

It's hard not to imagine our life together in the future anymore.... I used to imagine tiptoeing around the house when you're sick getting into fights .... Baby sitting jayden and puca ah man..... My hopes were so high. It was a log hard fall back to reality.

I keep dreaming...

Not bad dreams per say.....but sad sad dreams, dreams about Justin wanting me back, or not wanting me back.... I don't like it... I had 3 last night and 3 during the week.

P.s. Jr..... You don't know me don't be all in my business. Creep.

To: alex

Ok, since I had to contain my defense, I'm blogging it.

I did let myself develop feelings for him when i knew you liked him, I did let it lead to sexting and I did get in over my head. I'm not the first girl to do stupid stupid selfish things for a boy. Not that this makes it less selfish but I didn't know you were in love with him & I didn't know he liked you. When I found out he "kissed" you I couldn't eat for a week until I told you what happened, I felt bad because I hurt YOU.

I've had to deal with the consequences of MY actions in the situation. So don't blame me for the fact that you two planned for two months to have sex. Don't make me feel guilty because you got pregnant. And I didn't put you in the mental ward. I didn't make you move to ky. You chose to,

You let me think that you were caught up in a moment when you had sex, but y'all planned it. Not. Cool.

Remember me asking you about me being with him when he got back? Well let me tell you this. I 100% would have dropped him if you had asked me too.

As for me 'not being over him' I AM over him, just like you were in november when you hooked up with chivonne & in january. When I asked you about Justin. But yet when Justin wanted you back, you wanted to be with him didn't you?

And don't you call me wishy washy. ONCE during this whole thing did I say I didn't want to talk to you for a while. I never even said I didn't want to be friends, I just needed space. Both times this went down, I sat and listened to you re-hash every painful detail, I'm sorry that u couldn't sit through the whole retailing of your sexual encounter, or all the proclamations of undying love her said to you. You seem to find my struggle with that to be selfish and ignorant, but here's the thing. I LOVED HIM TOO. It's like ripping open my flesh and pouring salt on my heart to hear the details so EXCUSE ME for only being able to endure days of talking about everything he did to you. You may recall if you think back that I cried alot, yes. But I tried hard not to spend every moment obsessing over how he did ME. Wrong to YOU. Cause it wouldnt have been considerate of your feelings. And it wasn't considerate of you to do it to me either. I know you have to talk everything you feel out in deep detail so I listened along as I could. I'm sorry my best efforts were not enough for you. I was trying.


I never did anything with the intent of hurting you. I just couldn't stop my feelings for him and after we started sexting I didn't know how to stop,

But seriously. What HE did to you is not my fault.

Forget all this wishes...

I said before and go away. Pull your head out of your butt and never bother me again.

I'm better off without the both of you and I'm not giving up my real friends and my happy memories because of you.

You didn't even say sorry, you had hours to tell me and I had to confront you first? I deserve better then an over sexed, immature, selfish, stupid, deceitful, brazen, snake charmer like you.

After the first time I told the elders, I didn't want to sext anymore, I did it because I thought you wanted to, and if you were happy I'd be happy.
That was foolish of me because it pulled me in even deeper and I didn't care about anyone but you. You narcissistic, asinine, jerk.

You don't even care how you hurt us but I hope one day you feel this way too si you learn your lesson. You can't get away with whatever you want.

You didn't even try to break my heart gently you just let me keep acting like a fool for you, not bothering to even tell me straight up...I hope you hurt one day too.

I...

I don't understand what I did to change your mind about me....I wish it wasn't like this....I wish I could go back and explain...

I don't know if I can still be friends.... Not for a long long while

...

I wish I could stop shaking ad crying, I wish that everythingi touch didn't have your name on it. I'm sorry I hounded you, I though that you wanted it too. I guess this is what I get for putting YOU. Before JEHOVAH. I wish so badly that you had just talked to me.... Because I really did do everything for you. I did stuff I didn't want/ new better then to do because I thought it would make you happy.

I wish so badly you had told me so we could've tried to work it out. I wish you didn't let me continue thus far thinking you still had feelings for me. I wish I didn't love so hard and so much and so fast. I wish I could get up as fast as I fell. I wish you had told me first, before you told her. I wish she hadn't called you and cursed you out.

I wish that your happiness didn't still matter to me. I wish I wasn't such a bleeding heart. I wish I could hold a proper grudge. I wish my wishes cane true I wish I didntvhave to go to work & listen to love songs on pandora all day.

I wish you played fair. I wish I played fair. I wish I could move on like she dud, I hope you can to....

I wish I didn't live here anymore. I wish I could beat you up. I wish you had been clear with me, I'm like a boy I don't get subtlety.

I wish we didn't know so many of the same people now.

I wish to be moved on and over you next time I see you. I wish o didn't know so much about you, so then everything wouldn't remind me of you.

I wish you had just told me so I wouldn't feel like a idiot for ignoring my gut feeling.... Cause it was right about everything......I wish my family wasn't going to ask me what's wrong....

I'm sorry.... I wouldn't have done any of that if you said: noodles stop I don't want to mess up again. Or if you said : I'm being weird and distant on purpose because I'm not sure how I feel,

Simple.as.that

I wish your happiness hadn't meant more to me then jehovah's.

I wish To stop the urge to go hook up with any random guy to numb the ache in my hart

I wish you had less wonderful....

I wish you hadn't let me say all those things to you if you knew you didnt feel this way about me anymore.

I wish my personal estimation of my self worth did not depend on the love of a man.

I wish you had told me what was going on...i always told you, which is. Big deal cause i don't normally tell abtone what's going on in my head.

I wish I had had the will power to step back and use the time apart to grow like I wanted to.

You mattered too much to me.

Instead of keeping you close I effectively push you away. Like I always do.


I'm going to try my best to get back to where I should be... I'm just not ready.

Thanks for the lesson. I hope the next time I see you I'm grown enough, and or moved on enough to keep it together.



In the words of cee-lo....well...you know


I'm floating between being angry, and feeling hopeless.

How could you? you KNEW I still loved you...why couldn't you just tell me you cooled off?

I wish I hadn't ruined your life...I wish you hadn't asked me to marry you....I wish you hadn't let my hopes get soooooo high.

I'm tired of wishing... Tired of you.... We'll be friends. Believe me I will not take you seriously anymore.